My Humble Abode – Tbilisi, Georgia – 8:10pm

There are just some days when depression hits you.

I’m one of those people who are high-functioning even when depressed. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Nothing worsens depression like feeling guilty about being unproductive, especially when you have a full day stretching ahead of you like a blank canvas. Even though I got myself out of bed and walked around the city, got myself some green curry at Thai Curry, went to Fabrika and wrote in a creative space, I felt drowsy and unmotivated. I didn’t even dance with my usual fervor during my DJ session at CES that evening.

I still got some things done. I still studied for my upcoming driving test, although it feels very unconsolidated in my head. I still got some writing jobs done, though I had been hoping to complete all my work for the next few days just in the morning alone. I spent an hour in the DJ studio, so at least I got a nice creative break. And I’m still dedicated to writing this blog post so that I don’t break my streak. I’m happy to say that I’ve written my own personal stuff for the 7th day in a row, as of October 7th. The first twenty days of setting any habit or getting into any routine are the hardest, so I’ve heard, because that’s when we have the strongest resistance to it. But, once our body and brain adjust to the new pattern, it becomes a lot easier to stick to it. So, fingers crossed I manage to keep up the streak until Halloween, and then it just becomes autopilot from then onwards.

On days like today, I just feel like lying in bed and not dealing with any commitments. Just be irresponsible and sink into my loneliness. I don’t normally feel lonely. I love being by myself. But, sometimes, the past catches up and it’s just one of those days when you can’t escape. Anyone who has experienced depression knows that when it hits hard, you just want to be by yourself and avoid any and all people, so it really takes a monumental effort to reach out to others. I personally hate having to be around others and act social when I’m in a depressive mindset.

So, on days like this, it’s a good reminder to be compassionate and patient with myself. Be gentle and give myself grace. I may not have ticked off everything on my to-do list, but the most important thing is I made a genuine effort to and I did get somewhere with some of the things. I think I’ve been keeping myself super busy these last few weeks, so I’m bound to feel the comedown and the burnout. There will be some bad days, just as there have been some better days.

So, in that spirit, from the comfort and safety of my bed, here’s a list of what I’m grateful for (reminder: what we focus on becomes our world):

• I’m grateful that I have freedoms and options about what to do with my life
• I’m grateful that my family is doing well, overall
• I’m grateful that I got into stunt school and have that to look forward to
• I’m grateful that I have had some pretty marvelous experiences lately: a really lovely, peaceful meditation session on Thursday, some butt-kicking pole fit classes throughout the week, etc.
• I’m super grateful that I’ve finally finished the driving theory course (I think it was 11 or 12 sessions, with a commute out to Varketili each time!). I was getting tired of being stuck in that seemingly never-ending commitment. Now, to just pass the theory exam!
• I’m grateful that I managed to send some stuff up to Gudauri with my friend so that I don’t need to lug it up there myself via marshrutka (so much more of a hassle!). I also bought a few healthy foods (muesli with fruits, couscous and quinoa) and sent them up to Gudauri too in preparation for when I shift up there and do my own cooking, so that’s a step in the right direction.
• I’m grateful that I have a few friends and contacts in Georgia now that I can hang out with if I want to. I still tend to keep to myself, especially since I’m focusing so much on my writing and self-publishing business, but it feels good to know there are some people I can laugh with in person. Fingers crossed my friend comes along for a Harry Potter movie event (it comes with a six-course meal).
• I’m grateful that even though I still have yet to finish the novella I’m working out (I keep spreading myself thin across different writing projects), I wrote 12, 529 words (towards my own projects) this week alone! Writing is definitely becoming more of an ingrained habit in my life, which is a huge change from even just one and a half months ago.

I’m not especially great at expressing intentional gratitude, but I’m trying to make more of an effort to.

What are you grateful about in your life, be it small or big?

Toodles,

Alaska