My Humble Abode – Tbilisi, Georgia – 10:55pm
So, what prompted this topic, that title?
I was listening to Jay Shetty’s podcast again, the March 10, 2023 episode where he interviews the hosts (Rayna Greenberg and Ashley Hesseltine) of the Girls Gotta Eat podcast about dating and relationships. Their discussion was quite interesting, and the question that struck me the most was the commentary around people focusing on what qualities they want in their ideal partner, but rarely reflecting on what they themselves bring to the table. That got me thinking about my own dating history, especially within the vacuum of the travel lifestyle. Generally, travel affords me opportunities to meet people organically. I’ve only ever met up with one person from an app.
Taking Inventory
My Strengths
So, what do I offer? I think, for the right person, I can be caring and invested. I can be a good listener. I’m generally encouraging and supportive. I love to have fun and joke around, and I’ll bring those positive vibes and energy to a relationship. I’m super affectionate and giving to partners — I’ll give hour-long massages on the regular, which even I question about myself haha. I would consider myself an interesting person who can dive into many topics of conversation, so my partner and I can have long, intelligent discussions about anything under the moon. I generally try to keep relationships a safe space, although I notice I do have people-pleasing tendencies at times so I do need to work on implementing boundaries from time to time. So, I think I can bring a lot to a relationship.
My Weaknesses
That said, I don’t think I’ve necessarily been a good partner in the past. I’ve definitely been emotionally immature at times, and while I like to think I’ve grown since then, I think I still have narcissistic tendencies that tend to flare up when I’m in a relationship. I’m truthfully much more at peace when I’m single than when I’m in a relationship and have to navigate all this tricky emotional turmoil again. I hate feeling jealous, but unfortunately I tend to get a bit jealous at times if I see a love interest with other people. I guess I’m still emotionally immature because I just prefer to avoid being in the relationship altogether rather than actively work on and overcome that insecurity haha.
But, genuinely, I think I’m unhappy in my relationships because I always feel like I have to hide parts of myself because my partner won’t accept me for who I really am. I can become quite depressed in relationships, especially when I think I’m not fulfilling my true purpose in life. Am I really meant to live a suburban lifestyle? I’ve always longed for life on the road and a life of adventure. Not only that, but I tend to lose myself in relationships and make the other person my whole world, which I know — unhealthy! No wonder I’m happier by myself.
Why I Love Being Single
Anyways, the thing I prize most about being single is that I don’t need to diminish myself. In past relationships, I did often feel like I needed to hide my successes or even my good mood because a partner was sullen and unhappy. There were times when I would tell them about my life and they would be thoroughly uninterested, even though I personally was quite excited about it; and when I saw them around friends, they were always so encouraging and happy about their friends’ successes. I realized I was probably in the wrong relationships and, like a total cliche, was somehow attracted to the emotionally unavailable and narcissistic. Anyways, by myself, I never have to reduce myself and my expression for someone else; I can always be purely and unapologetically myself, which I love. I genuinely love my own company and if I’m with a partner who constantly makes me feel like I shouldn’t be happy with myself, I just find myself wanting to not be around their energy. So, why bother being in a relationship and expending that effort? It’s just time and focus wasted.
The second thing I prize about being single is all the time I have to myself! I love getting to design my schedule exactly how I want to, aligned with my values and interests. Right now, I’m in a cycle of staying busy. For example, here’s what I did today:
8am
I woke up and got about two hours of writing work done. Already feeling productive! Had to rush off for class and was a bit late — on the commute, I listened to another Dr. NoSleep horror story: I’m Stuck on a Train with a Serial Killer.
11am
Had driving theory class – finished another two chapters about the order of priority of various vehicles at an intersection and parking and stopping on and under bridges, etc. Today was slightly frustrating because there were quite a few exam questions where the translations were completely wrong and I had to memorize the wrong answers though know what the right thing to do in real life is. I seriously cannot wait for my driving theory exam to be over (taking it on Oct 9th) so that hopefully I don’t have to deal with this course anymore haha.
1pm
On the commute to lunch, listened to that podcast that got me thinking about what I had to offer others. Got lunch at Tom Yum 3. The guy working there offered me a job again haha.
3pm
Did some more writing for work for another two hours, at Food Good. After some spicy krapow (basil chicken), it was nice to cool it down with some granola and yogurt. On the commute to my hula hoop and pole classes, I finished listening to the relationship podcast.
6pm
I learned some new tricks on the hula hoop. Always fun to play around with the light-up hula hoop! I’m definitely feeling like some of the tricks are feeling more and more natural and flowy. After the hour-class, I did pole fit and also tried training a new trick (Russian splits). I personally find it extremely rewarding to try new tricks on whatever apparatus I’m using and feel that little bit of progress each hour I chip away at something. I was feeling weird on the pole today, like I just didn’t have that much arm strength nor grip strength, and the skin on my legs was just really sensitive as well so I couldn’t really hold my inversions for long, unfortunately. Still, every time I go for pole fit, I feel like I’m getting stronger and stronger in the long run, even if the progress is not obvious or linear every session.
Ended classes at 8pm. On the commute back to Vake, I listened to another episode with Jay Shetty, the May 23, 2022 interview he did with Taylor Tomlinson, a comedian I first saw on Netflix maybe two years ago. She’s super relatable. I do want to try stand-up comedy; just need to get myself to overcome my fear of doing it for the first time — and then it’s just constant practice and repetition. You need to get on stage regularly and work it like a muscle.
11pm
And, now, at 11pm, I’m writing my blog update for the day, and will do a short writing block for my horror story. If I was in a relationship, would I be able to use my time today so productively? I don’t think so.
When they were talking on the podcast about how some people really want to be in a relationship and make that their whole thing and focus in life, it really reinforced to me how content I am by myself. In the aftermath of tragedy last year, I don’t want to be in a relationship for a while anyways. Yeah, I still find myself attracted to people sometimes, but I think I’ve learned by now after so many failed relationships and connections that love isn’t enough. That used to make the romantic in me sad, but I’ve come to learn that compatibility and commitment are just as important.
Also, BIG NEWS: I’m Going to Stunt School!
I’m also so stoked because I received an acceptance email to ISA two days ago, and got the official okay today that I would be allowed to study there part-time. I think having stunt school on the horizon for me will keep me motivated and productive over the next year and in the following years to come. Would I have gone to stunt school if I was in a relationship? Maybe not. So, I’m glad that I am the only one who gets to monopolize my time.
Do you find yourself happier in relationships or single? Why?
Update at 12am: I just did a quick 10-minute writing sprint and got 264 words down. Sometimes that’s all it takes to feel like you’ve made progress. Here’s a tiny excerpt:
“Dude, how are you not more interested in this shit?”
He finally turned to look at me, rolling his eyes. “You get morbidly into these things. Like unhealthily obsessed and fascinated. It’s enough for the both of us.”
Project Manhole
Toodles,
Alaska